The Diaries of Nick Twisp

The book that inspired the film Rebel with a Cause starring Michael Cera.

Hi. My name is Nick Twisp, I'm 14 (practically), I live in Oakland, and I write my memoirs (memoirs, not diaries) on a pathetic old computer. Oh, and I'm a virgin—and that's definitely the bane of my existence.

My teenage hormones don't let me lie: every night (and every spare minute of my days) is filled with beautiful dreams about round breasts... But there's the big question of human existence to face: how can you look a girl in the eyes after putting your thing in hers?

Despite this doubt, I'm willing to take the risk. On my last vacation, I met My Muse, the Woman I Love, the Despair of My Existence: Sheeni Saunders. Besides being beautiful, she's my intellectual equal—I can already see us together, old men.

The problem with all this intellectualism is that My One and Only Sweet Love has an incomprehensible fixation on the French, and wants to learn their culture at a pretentious private school full of trendy girls and muscular young male specimens in the prime of sexual experimentation. To get her back, I have no choice... I have to overcome my teenage stupidity once and for all and be bad. Very, very bad.

Hello. My name is François Dillinger, and I'm a badass. My mission in this world is to get the delicious Sheeni to lie in our bed and let us do everything with her. Nick is too much of a wimp for that, so I've had to take on the terrible task of getting the boy laid while I'm here.

No, I have no qualms. If I have to steal a car to transform my less-than-impressive alter ego into a bad guy worthy of the beautiful Sheeni's standards, I won't hesitate for a moment. And if I have to glue on a fake mustache to look more French, well... Everyone knows that a man with a mustache is a man at his most masculine.

I can teach you to be mean. Put salt in the sugar bowl, fill the birdbaths with beer. Wear sunglasses indoors. Never say "please" or "thank you." And remember: be mean.